drunk and lost

I think I just don’t want to be in a relationship. I seem to do everything in my power to sabotage the ones that I’ve had, I push away the people who care most about me and put up barriers so that none of them ever get to know the real me. I feel like people would be happier dealing with a crafted, easily parsed narrative then the ugly and incongruous truth of me. The ones I care about just get bored or dissatisfied, and I know I’ll eventually be replaced so the distance allows me to more easily jettison the relationship once it goes sour. But when I’m alone all I can think about is how badly I want someone to hold me while I sleep and listen to my dumb jokes and massage my head. I feel like I’ve failed everyone that cared about me enough to be led into a relationship or at least to the periphery of one and that I was then unable to care for and to provide what they needed. I just keep over-committing to broken boys and disappointing them. I don’t know where this is going to end.