Dear spider that was atop my toilet this morning:

I applaud your remarkable gamesmanship in our contest today, your opening move of skittering around at speeds presumably impossible for something of your size was most impressive. I thought I had you when I used the candle to crush you completely but your endgame strategy of adhering your viscous ichor into every imperceptible blemish of the porcelain guaranteeing your octopodeal presence will forever be associated with the part of my right buttock that must contact that portion of seat left me completely defeated.